


two would know what to do

by Meyer



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec POV, Angst, Immortality, Insecurity, Introspection, M/M, Magnus POV, Pre-3x05
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-07
Updated: 2018-04-07
Packaged: 2019-04-19 23:12:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14247819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meyer/pseuds/Meyer
Summary: It's been difficult to share with Alec, living in the past, present, future all at once after decades of focusing on the now.





	two would know what to do

**Author's Note:**

> more than inspired by [hourglassmermaid ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hourglassmermaid) and the musical stylings of Feist
> 
>  
> 
> [ my tumblr ](http://egos-pathos.tumblr.com/)

The seasons used to pass so quickly. Spring, summer, fall, winter; flashes of color and growth and decay, reminders that everything is changing around him. Loving a mortal again changes his perceptions. For example - he pays attention to the changing leaves because it reminds him of an upcoming birthday.

Another one - he remembers (what he's tried to ignore) how little life other people are given.

He tries not to let time slip by. He tries not to waste it, not to let the seconds like sand slip through his fingers, but to collect them, meter them in an hourglass - the moments passed but kept and measured. He holds trinkets, letters, the rare gift. They hurt him more than anything else, but the people deserve to be remembered, and in some moments, he is warmed by them.

It's been difficult to share with Alec, living in the past, present, future all at once after decades of focusing on the now. To warily consider a future centered around himself, rather than on what he can do for his kind. It's almost a dare to himself; can he have this? Can he stay in Alec's life?

The future, and how it has begun to solidify in his mind, is a growing threat. The past is more dangerous. He wants Alec to know the best of him. And how he was in the past, the things that were done to him, the things that he has done, are not his best anything.

(No matter what Alexander says -

I don't care about your father

I don't care about your past

I don't care about anything but you -

Magnus eats it up.

It's later that he wonders, _what is the limit to your love? What will turn you away from me?_ )

Magnus tells himself: _he can't save me. I'm the only one who can._ It's unsound to rely on Alec to soothe his old hurts. Seeking external validation was what tied him to Camille, a mistake that he feels like everyone is aware of now. He's tried to break the trait, most recently by closing himself off, but he thinks it began in his formative years, that it has rooted itself too deep into him to be torn away.

He'll catch himself sometimes, falling into these old habits. His mind slipping into his first language, old anxieties and fears and condemnations surfacing in a relentless rhythm, thoughts that can't be unthought. His dreams showing dark futures he can't bring himself to say. Him, smiling, hiding his hurt behind little (too) convincing lies.

(Did Alec really think - did he really believe -

"I always want to be where you are," Magnus murmurs, under the howling winds outside of the loft. "If you were in Idris - if you ever did want to....well, I don't think a couple of Shadowhunters would be able to keep me away."

He tries to play weakly at humor, suddenly too wary of the depth of his statement.

"I know," Alec says, smiling, pressing against him. "But I'm not leaving."

His mind simultaneously qualifies 'ever' and 'not yet'. Tonight, he chooses ever. )

Is it wrong to want for more? he used to think, as he drifted through relationships. He has immortality, power, riches - enough that any mortal would be jealous. He has friends, good and true, supporting him even when he rebuffs their comfort. Isn't it greedy to desire for more?

He doesn't know if those thoughts are influenced by something he was told, or if it was read, or if it originated in his mind prompted only by experience. The last would make sense - him continually reaching out for love and getting burned, like Icarus coming too close to the sun, and if he tries to hold onto too much, he’ll get burned. But, he does remember the second instruction given by Daedalus - the sea foam would have drowned Icarus, should he have flown too low - and knows he knows if he should scorn love, try to go without, he'll drown too.

(They said of Daedalus that he could not stand a rival, trying to kill the nephew who had surpassed him. And if he's casting himself as Icarus and Perdix both, then Asmodeus is the inventor father and jealous uncle, waiting for the prime moment.

But that's another matter.)

So, he loves Alec with all of his heart and hopes that it will be returned, all the while suppressing fears of heartache.

I'll give you anything, he whispers to a sleeping Alec, slowly tracing the deflect rune on his neck. And it is the truth, but what use is his _anything_ , when all Alec seems to want is to know him. Alec stirs, murmurs everything's okay, love you, gathering Magnus up in his arms again, lost to sleep before getting any response. Magnus settles, letting Alec's breathing slow his own.

He wants to relax, but his worries are hunters, practiced over centuries, and they will not be stayed.

Magnus thinks - knows they are moving too fast, even if Alec doesn't realize it. Magnus is Alec's first, but Magnus has experience with this; he should have set a better pace, shouldn't have let his bleeding heart lead untempered. There are myriad conversations that should have happened. His immortality, their races, their expectations, it all needs to be discussed. Magnus has been a coward by not talking about these things before, letting the topics wane and ebb like waves, never breaking onto shore.

He resolves to temper the progress of their relationship. Nothing needs to change, Magnus thinks, just needs to slow. They have the time.

<<>>  
_Alec_

He once saw a sticker that read, _we can be friends? can we be friends?_

It stays with him, like a reminder of the winding path of his relationship. A series of _am I allowed to be with you? Can I be with you?_ Alec took a while to answer yes to the first, his family even longer, and he doesn't know if the Clave ever will. The second - well.

Every time that he thinks he is certain of the answer - yes, of course, their relationship will work out, they'll never be apart - there's some problem. Get it wrong, get it right. That's all he seems to do with Magnus. He wonders sometimes if he should google 'how to be in a relationship'. He wonders if it's his inexperience that causes these problems or if it's something more inherent, some part of him that is driven to make mistake after mistake - that won't be fixed by the internet, he's sure.

Alec wants to be sure of their future.

He wants a lot of things, too many things.

Alec wants to give everything he has to Magnus. That's what he should do, right? Especially after everything Magnus has done for him. He should be there for him now, help him handle the whole deal with Lorenzo Rey, help find the cause behind the corrupted ley lines. Magnus deserves someone to be there for him.

Alec wants Magnus to be comfortable using magic around him. Shadowhunters are, mostly, apprehensive or dismissive of it in turn. Alec used to be among them, but he's trying to change - he thinks he's doing a pretty good job, all things considered.

He keeps asking  
_why don't you use magic for this_  
so he doesn't have to ask  
_are you not using magic because I'm here?_

He likes Magnus' magic. Maybe in more ways than he'll admit to himself even, but certainly - he likes to see this essential part of Magnus. He wants that more anything else, for Magnus not to have to hide from him.

Alec wants to lead. Maybe it's a way to accomplish his own goals, that being the Head of the Institute fulfills a selfish desire, that only he is capable of protecting the people he cares about. He wants to think that the position offered by the Clave was a vote of confidence for his skills, but he can't shake the suspicion that the offer was made with other intentions in mind. It’s the Owl that has really caused his confidence to drop. He doesn't like having to lean on Magnus for assistance, but he would be a poor leader if he doesn't take the help when it's needed, and that is what matters.

Alec wants to be a good brother. These days he's not so sure that he is. Not all the way, at least. He missed Isabelle's yin-fen addiction; he has let Max be injured by Jonathan; he's allowed Jace to drift from his side. He can't excuse the first two; that's all on him. Jace, though - his parabatai is complicit in this too. He doesn't know why Jace is lying, and even when Alec is trying to help him, he thinks it would be easier if he just knew the truth.

Alec has spread himself thin. It's not like he doesn't know that. He can handle it. He has made a commitment to the Institute, to his family, to Magnus, and he'll keep all of them. Even if what he has with Magnus seems to be the only one improving.

He sees the opportunity to get closer to Magnus. He wants to seize it, to let Magnus know that he wants to stay in his life, to spend as much time with him as possible. Surely Magnus wants that too.


End file.
